It could have been, would have been and always was a multiple conversation, where everyone had a bit to say. Disconnect. One by one I heard their voices drop out. First the slightly indistinguishable ones and slowly, the familiar favorite voices lost connection. Was it a fake out, a crinkling of paper against the receiver or an accident, the wrong place at the wrong time. Either way it’s disconnected. I’m left with silence. Calling out names. And then a harsh jangle of beeps. Reinforcing what I already knew. No one will attempt to call back. Phone tag will ensue and no one will pick up. Disconnected, mail box full, not accepting incoming calls.
I think it was your nose. The swell of it that fit so perfectly with your face. It’s my down fall now. I look for your nose in potential suitors every time. I rarely find it and if I do there’s always something wrong with their voice. They speak staccato or their voice rises in unusual places, it’s nothing like the dusky baritone of my dreams. And even if their sound is near perfect their pattern for life is off. We either agree all the time or they never let me speak my mind. Thanks for making me accustomed to your face, body, shape and ways. Every where I do all I find is damaged goods.
Going to lunch with Allie and Adam. I hope they’re taking me to the new vegan place over in the Villages or maybe somewhere that has mac n cheese.
I’m getting the feeling a surprise birthday party is in tow. Great.
I hate surprises.
I go a video camera for my birthday. No truly what I wanted but it’s still nice.
"Well I could throw it out, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you. I could be strong.”
When you’re little you’re promised glorious castles, white dresses, handsome princes and fairy godmothers. The message is replayed again and again in the sugar coated pop sounds, the over rated animated tales, and picture book bed time stories.
Then you get wiser. You part reality from fiction and legit endings from the sardonic ones.
And you realize that everyone has a different ending and timing is everything and nothing in the real world. That in the end, all that matters is to have loved someone, no matter their age, color, addictions, vices, but to have really loved someone with everything you’ve been given.
You become aware in the fact that your ending meets everything you need. That maybe giant homes and fancy dresses aren’t for you. That a scraggly old couch in a one bedroom apartment in the city watching Jeopardy with your make shift Prince Charming is more pleasing and perfect than anything Disney could have created.
I’m not sure you mean me but I do want to say I miss you and a few other aspiring friendships that have not quiet taken off like I wanted them to.
And I know there’s been an awkward bubble around everything lately but we kind of all need to buckle down. Because pretty soon were going to loose the glue that holds all of us together.
I know that we’re all suppose to make it work. How often do you get a group of youth all loving the same music, food, fashion, culture and God; a group of people that harmonize perfectly together?
First Step: Make a conscious effort in not just patching things up but really working things out.
My birthday is in 5 days.
I’m not particularly excited. I fear I’m being thrown a surprise party and I know I’ll hurt some one’s feelings by not being happy when everyone screams ‘Happy Birthday’.
I’d rather stay in with Alaska, drink Diet Coke and watch Closer for the fourth time this week. But that brings me back to the whole spiel about not getting into the love business again. And who can say no to love in the form of Tyler? I think I’d be better at a long distance type of thing, like states or countries away. That way the boy wouldn’t get the full blown tidal wave of my mind.
I need to work on not being indecisive.
Tumblr? What would I do without you?
I know I’m not ready to fall in love. Not that its too soon, or I haven’t met the right person but it’s me.
I would really fuck some one’s brain up if they started loving me. Even if they could look past the scars and piles of makeup who wants a broken girl?
A bi polar, depressed, hypocritical complainer.
A thick headed, wide eyed coward who relies on fast talking and long eyelashes.
A growing girl refusing to let go of her childhood.
I’m asking you to stay away love. I don’t want to hurt you but I will. I remember what happened the first time you came around and I remember the last. I’ll give you a call if I never you.
And if you plan on dropping by without notice bring with you someone who can deal with complications. I’m not asking for pity or a therapist just… the next time you visit make sure he’s not tall dark and a douche.
I want to go to thrift stores and antique shops with you. Wear my hair dirty and clothes wrinkled with you. Drink cans of diet coke on my decrepit couch with you. Dine and dash with you. I want to swing on my tire swing with you. Play pretend with you. I want to wrap myself in you. I want to wake up with you. Have call in sick days with you. Go to coffee houses with you. Be close with you.
I want to. with you.
“What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn’t just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them perfect, and we couldn’t expect them to be. You can’t make any one person your world. The trick was to take what each could give you and build your world from it.”—Sarah Dessen (via littlemiss) (via justbesplendid)
Actual children’s answers to the question “what is love?”
“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” - Billy, age 4
“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” - Karl, age 5
“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” - Chrissy, age 6
“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” - Terri, age 4
“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” - Danny, age 7
“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.” - Emily, age 8
“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” - Bobby, age 7
“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” - Nikka, age 6
“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” - Noelle, age 7
“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” - Tommy, age 6
“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” - Cindy, age 8
“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” - Clare, age 6
“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” - Elaine, age 5
“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.” - Chris, age 7
“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” - Mary Ann, age 4
“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” - Lauren, age 4
“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” - Rebecca, age 8
“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” - Karen, age 7
“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” - Jessica, age 8
Hey you with the zebra eyes, I want to touch your skin. Your beauty’s in the white stripes, and the black ones make your sins. Let me count your ways dear, let me map your mind. I want to feel the fire burn, each time that we grind. I’ll sink between your lines of truth, I’ll blend between the waves. I’ll be at one and peace with you, you be the one who saves.
“They’re not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they’re destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.”—Dead Poets Society (via filmquotes) (via creampuff)