In my mind’s eye I saw next summer. It was beautiful and I met the most wonderful man of God and we showed children the love of Christ and we went to Zambia on a mission trip and met small children we promised to make ours. Yes, in my mind’s eye things were beautiful and things were right and were in accordance to the will of God. But the beauty of the will of God is that it’s far bigger than anything I have planned. My mind’s eye cannot capture all the contours, dips, dives, mini adventures, loops and whirlwinds He has planned for me. For now, I will settle into the fact that my summer will be used for the Good as long as I keep my Prize as the only reward. Next summer should be focused on growing close to Him and growing kids closer to Him. If I find a beautiful man of God, so be it, if it’s in His will but if I bring children closer to the feet of the Lord, find beauty in the lost and broken, become broken over the Lord, my summer will not be lost. My summer will be complete.
It’s useless to be this way. How pitiful I feel when I get these sick feelings can never be explained. But it happens, my sadness swells in waves and crashes down clouding my vision with bright spots of light, memories, words crawling and etching into my skin, familiar sounds are deafening and terrible. I will never adapt to the change. I will never adapt to the change. What was should always be. But it happens and the swelling wave topples down and drowns over any happiness piled in my chest, each piece of sand crumples from my castle and I’m left with a flat surface, needing more, more sand to rebuild the happiness. The temptation to give up has ebbs slowly with each day and I can say that each morning I clutch to that small amount of happiness. It might not be a lot but it is the starting point. I have a starting point. I have a start. I will never give up the fight. My new life is good enough, it will more than suffice. I will suffice.
I ran to find the answer. The wind licked my heels, and made my unkempt hair a tornado of curls in my eyes. I was looking for the answer. And then it hit me about 50 yards away, clear as day, in white letters, ‘STOP’. I kept running towards it. I knew this was the answer I’d been searching for but something made me lurch to a stop; my sneakers were suddenly glued to the ground. I couldn’t run past the stop sign, if I did I would be accepting an answer I didn’t like. I walked to the tree and sat where the concrete had been poured over the roots and had made a nice hump of a seat. I stared at the sign hoping to find some other way to look at the answer and finding no other option, I ran. I ran fast and far, away from ‘STOP’. Because even though I want God to help me in making the right decisions I’m not ready to let that friendship go.